Sometimes I think things...

Dear Amanda Palmer,
      Initially, I wasn’t going to do this. I know you get plenty of fan mail and that mine could be one of the many that disappears into the pile. However, the need to say thank you has invaded my life for the last six months, and so I decided to at least draft a letter.     

      I was raised on Tori Amos and Nine Inch Nails, on Fungo Mungo and The Red Hot Chili Peppers. While my friends complained about their parents’ awful music, my parents and I were dancing in my living room. I went to my first concert (System of a Down) with my mother, and the next two (Nine Inch Nails, and later, Primus) with my whole family. My fourth concert was the one that really made an impact. To see a man and a woman play music that I have listened to, performed, memorized, and integrated with all the memories and emotions I’ve experienced in the last four years of my life, to see a woman that I have dressed up as and performed as right in front of me was an experience I didn’t know I would be able to have, as their collaboration was on indefinite hiatus.

       So deeply integrated into my experiences and emotions was the music of The Dresden Dolls, that the opportunity to see them on New Year’s Eve seemed impossibly far away from both sides of the event. Only when I was there, and I felt nothing but the present moment and every single bit of my self (and I mean that in a two-words kind of way, not “myself”) was laid out before me and scrambled around, did it seem like something real. Afterward, for weeks, I felt like I was going to throw up. I was hyper and couldn’t focus on anything or anyone and I just kept riding my bike around and chattering at people and singing and being confused and feeling   like all of my insides were going to spill out of me because I was all jumbled up.

       Something happened inside me that night that brought out the past and buried the present and then blended it all together like some kind of existential soup. Sometimes, when I look back on it, I feel like I’m going to vibrate out of my own skin with anticipation of whatever the hell I saw coming in me that night, smashed in crowd of people that I was hardly aware of. I was in San Francisco on New Year’s eve with a beautiful boy, and all I don’t know if I’ve ever been more focused on anything in my entire life than I was on that music.

(I feel that I should note here: Although I am Dresden Dolls fan and love your collaborations with Brian, I respect that you have your own endeavors to pursue and have immensely enjoyed all of your projects since the band halted production)

      Shortly after I had recovered from post-show insanity, Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under was released, and I downloaded it immediately. Initially, I was dismayed. I felt like I was standing at the end of an era of Punk Cabaret and at the end of a stage of my life that I will never forget. Then I began to do something really odd: I went to the gym. Who Killed Amanda Palmer and Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under became the soundtracks to treadmill running and weight lifting. The album grew on me and I went back to following your work and waiting impatiently for your next project (8in8 was brilliant and I watched the entire webcast in my dorm). I also went back to my piano in the garage, where all three of your books live, and where I have spent the last five years of my life routinely pounding chords and singing at the top of my lungs. The people inside the house ask me if I was singing or if it is you recorded. I know I need to grow as a musician (although I am hardly a musician at all), and I know I have to make my own sound and use my own voice to do so.

      And you know, sometimes I feel like I’m getting too close. They say to never meet your heroes, and I’ve never really had a role model or someone I wanted to be like, so I never really thought about it… but then I realized that the way I feel about you is what “they” are talking about. That’s why I refuse to watch interviews, and only allow myself a cursory scan of most blog  posts or written interviews. I feel you should be allowed to be a whole person and that if I get too involved in that (as opposed to you as just a musician) I’m judging so much more than talent and passion. And that isn’t my goal. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe you’re supposed to be involved in more than just the music, maybe you’re supposed to be involved in the life of the person, but like I said, I don’t do role models. But you’re the closest I’ve ever come to having one. And while I acknowledge that you are a whole person with a whole life, I’d like not to judge all that, because that isn’t mine. The way I connect to the music and the passion behind it is mine, and I’m keeping it.

      I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for teaching me that my vocal range matches someone else’s that is female, and that I can sing the tenor part in a choir quite comfortably. I want to thank you for being the one thing that motivates me when nothing else will, whether it is motivation to clean, to run, or to confront someone that I am having problems with. I want to thank you for being the soundtrack to my first and second relationships, two of my high school proms, and every single one of my emotional states. Most of all, though, I want to thank you for being real. You do bizarre things and confuse me from time to time, but you say what you mean and your art reflects that.

       Thank you, Amanda Palmer, for changing my life and being my teacher.

With all my love and respect,

Arraine Elizabeth Siefert

“Serious” Blogging

       I wanted to start an online vegan cooking show, but then I decided that until I have some recipes of my own (and you know, a kitchen that doesn’t look like crap), a blog would do. That lead to the thought that, neat, I already have a blog! But apparently Tumblr doesn’t count. According to a couple of my college roommates, Tumblr is for the excessive consumption of time and is full of hipsters and trolls. Like StumbleUpon for the guy who is too cool to care about StumbleUpon Other people have told me that it’s more like a slightly bigger Twitter, where multimedia is easy and you get more than 120 characters. Aside from the ease with which one can post things like photos and (oddly enough) chat logs, Tumblr doesn’t seem to lend itself to microblogging at all, in my opinion. I see it as a richly featured, easy-to-use blogging tool that I’m surprised isn’t more often utilized. Maybe I’ll see the limitations soon. Until then, yaaaaaaaaaay Tumblr!

Love,

Arraine

PS: I tried using Wordpress, because that’s what “serious” bloggers do, but after having fallen in love with Tumblr’s UI, I can’t stand the stark complicatedness of it all.

To the Financial Aid Office:

Hi, 

My name is Arraine Siefert, and I can’t go to college next year because it is physically impossible for me to work full-time and maintain a reasonable GPA while going to school full time. 

I don’t get any money from the FAFSA because my father makes too much per year, and I don’t get any money from my parents because they feel entitled to my education. I don’t want to feel entitled, and I am very willing to work for my education, but like I said, it is physically impossible unless I have some help. I’m sure there are thousands of other students in my position right now. I can’t apply for independent status or get any federal financial aid because I grew up in a happy, well-enough-off family and was not stupid enough to get married or pregnant as a teenager. 

I don’t qualify for scholarships because the stress about money (which has caused multiple medical and psychological complications) has forced my GPA too low. I’m also a middle-class white female, so I don’t have any special underprivileged background to draw from. Except nobody thought about saving for college.

But I do deserve an education. So what do I do? Do I leave and call my first year of college a very expensive mistake? My first year of college: a loan that will take me years to pay off. A loan that my parents refuse to take out for me in the years to come. Please tell me what I can do.

Thank you for your time, 

Arraine Siefert

And Now, an Alliteration:

make more magic moments.

But I Am So, So Tired

I want to thrash and yell and scream and rip and cry and writhe and tear

he smells like creamsicles on a hot summer day when his hair falls into his eyes and he looks down to the fraying tips tips of his toes dancing in the ocean surf sinking into wet sand and coming up cold and wrinkled like the clouds in the sky overhead blocking out the light of the sun twinkling in the distance

I write sonnets. It’s his fault.

I can’t quite understand the place I head

I know it’s all because of things I dream

But still the future’s filled with things I dread

The thought of it just makes me want to scream

And so, in verse, I write my des’prate plea

Just for a little help with all I face

Just for the one I love to notice me​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Just for someone to help me find my place

And here I am, afraid to be alone

Afraid that every thing I love will run

Afraid I’ll never learn to be my own

But still afraid I’ll lose the one I’ve won

A million things that still I have to do

And yet, what moves me now is naught but you​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

AUGH IT’S A FOOD BLOG

Actually…. I’ve been wanting to start a food blog for a really loooooong time…. so, here I am! I’m just going to add my foodie stuff here with my other freaky Arraine stuff :-P

So last Sunday, for my senior project, I had a vegan dinner party. I had five friends (who love food just as much as I do) over for dinner. It was also representative of my favorite foods as a vegan these past two months. I spent about twelve hours cooking that weekend (which finished up my senior project hours nicely) and made this:

Appetizers: 

Peanut Butter with Celery

Bean/Salsa Dip with tortilla chips

Dinner:

Caesar Salad

Ambrosia fruit salad

Macaroni and Cheese

French Bread with garlic “butter”

Dessert:

Chocolate gluten-free cupcakes with cookies and cream frosting

Vanilla cupcakes with white frosting

Chocolate mousse

ALL vegan. That’s right. I couldn’t believe it. The only thing that I didn’t make myself was the french bread. Intense. Most of it was gluten-free too, because one of my friends is vegetarian and gluten-intolerant.

All the food was a big hit… everyone chowed down so fast that we were done with dinner in less than a half hour… and we got soooo full :) We had to watch an episode of Gilmore Girls between dinner and dessert so that we could survive the experience without our tummies bursting. The vanilla cupcakes were waaaay more popular than the chocolate ones… but non-wheat flour just didn’t do it for us. The addition of almond extract really seems to do the trick with the post-punk kitchen ladies’ golden vanilla cupcakes :)

Appetizers ^^ The “salsa” is just a can of black beans and half a jar of salsa. Amazingness. Food processor washing #1.

Ambrosia Salad. Yummmmmmm. The sauce is like… fruit gravy (cornstarch, fruit juice) pureed with tofu and poppy seeds. Food processor wash #2.

Mag-freaking-nifecent Caesar salad. It’s a vegan recipe… it was pretty tasty but I’m holding out for a slightly more flavorful recipe. Food processor wash #3.

And finally, the crowning achievement of the meal, Allison’s mac ‘n cheese. Yum. Yum. Yum. Yum. Yum. I can’t say it enough. I was craving mac ‘n cheese so heavily before she taught me to make it. Holy freaking crow. I made a few adjustments to the recipe (I’ve made it three times since she taught me how… I’m hooked) that made it just right… just cheesy enough but really it’s just vegetable soup :) Food processor washes #3 & #4. 

VEGAN CUPCAKES TAKE OVER THE WORLD! It’s my absolute favorite cook book of all time. I can’t make just cupcakes. I have to make magnificent frosted and decorated cupcakes that don’t contain eggs or dairy and they are just the most delicious things ever. 

I also made chocolate mousse from that book (sadly, no picture) that was waaay rich but absolutely delicious. Food processor wash #5.

God I love my food processor.

Why do I feel the way I do?

because people are really horrible to each other, because I can’t stop everyone’s pain, because i’m so happy while so many people are struggling so much, because I don’t know how I’m supposed to behave as a human being, because I don’t understand how war or murder or revenge works… it just doesn’t make sense, because i don’t know what’s going to happen with drew, because i want to be kind and compassionate but I still judge and lash out sometimes, because people die and because sometimes it feels like there is no right answer to moral issues even when they seem obvious at first.

Vegan-osity! Journal entry numero uno!

Starting weight: 189 pounds. Alright. Ten pounds less than it was for the last few months. Starting the day with a cup of green tea (YUM.) and I’m going to have some fruit in a bit for breakfast. I think I might do apples and peanut butter. That’s an IMMENSELY tasty treat that is vegan and I wish I had time for on school mornings. I really ought to start getting up earlier. Today will be day one of Arraine’s WEEKWITHOUTEGGS. Yes, that’s one word. I say it shall be so.

My new, vegan and organic hair care products of course left my tresses fabulous, which is a huge relief but also super-disappointing because I’m really into the curly-girl method of hair care (where you don’t use shampoo because it’s bad for your hair) but it’s the sulfates that are really the problem. I’ve been experimenting with curly-girl and no-poo (shampoo, that is) for so long that it’s really weird that my hair isn’t weighed down by my natural oils. And there is a HUGE difference between gross, greasy hair, and well-maintained naturally lubricated hair, but unfortunately, it was turning to the side of gross and greasy because I outright refused to put freaking apple cider vinegar in my hair. Because vinegar is just nasty.

In other news, today I’m going to coordinate with  my mom’s menu (because we’re both totally neurotic about food and planning because we both like to cook but not ALL DAY EVERY DAY) and decide what I need to eat differently in order to keep eggs (and really, as much dairy as possible) out of my diet.

Oooh! And get this! According to veganoutreach.com, vegans should focus on the obvious animal ingredients and mostly ignore the rest and instead focus on living a compassionate lifestyle. That means sugar is still a greyish area…. but maybe I’ll use beet sugar for baking instead, because it doesn’t need CHARRED ANIMAL BONES in its refining process. Honey, too, is a grey area. They say bees probably don’t have enough cognitive ability to feel pain… Okay, well… I’m not there yet.

I think I’ll take stock of my body at the end of the day. That’s all for now, folks!

A sonnet for you (#1)

To miss you would be crazy, for I hold
A dozen things that tell me how you feel
And yet, this love that’s anything but old
I haven’t quite absorbed that it is real

My life has been transformed to fairy tale
Reality a dream of what has been
This beautiful release from such a jail
I can’t believe the things that I have seen

Your face each day burns brightly in my mind
The whisper of your touch does linger on
And never had I dreamed that I would find
The one I’d always love to look upon

So let us lie entwined ‘neath starry skies
Of course I’ll love you ‘til the last rose dies

Dear Taylor Swift:

I strongly dislike the song “You Belong With Me,” and a lot of people ask me why. What’s not to like, right? We can all relate, right? Here’s why:

It’s an awful message to send. The basic premise of the song is “leave your girlfriend for me, I’m better,” which is bad enough as it is. This explanation not good enough for you? Let’s break it down:

You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, She’s upset
She’s going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

Well okay, so maybe she’s a little uptight. Girls overreact to things. But it’s also a distinct possibility that this guy is a total jerk and that you’re so enamored with him you’re in denial about that fact. Don’t worry, it happens. Let’s continue:

I’m in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I’m listening to the kind of music she doesnt like

Now that’s just petty. Music CAN be a unifying thing between two people, but it doesn’t have to be. And you never said that HE likes that kind of music. You’re different from her, we get it. That’s why he’s with her and not you.

And she’ll never know your story like I do

Right, because we all want to be with someone who knows about everything we’ve done wrong and all our shortcomings.

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts

Maybe she’s a slut, but you’re just uncreative

She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers

Not all cheerleaders are created equal. At least she has SOME sort of talent. You sound like a boring bystander. You haven’t yet mentioned that you do anything other than watch football games and moon over her boyfriend.

Dreaming bout the day when you’ll wake up and find
That what you’re lookin for has been here the whole time

If he hasn’t noticed you yet… chances are it’s because you’re not what he’s looking for.

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?

You guys are friends. He likes being your friend. He doesn’t want to ruin that or whatever… but also, that’s how he thinks of you. As a FRIEND.

And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

A girl like what? All we know thusfar is that she’s hot. And more interesting than you.

Standin by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Are you some kind of stalker or something?

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I’m the one who makes you laugh when you know you’re about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it’s with me.

If you’re as great as you make yourself out to be, he’s not good enough for you if he’s dating that slut.

Seriously.