Sometimes I think things...

Dear Taylor Swift:

I strongly dislike the song “You Belong With Me,” and a lot of people ask me why. What’s not to like, right? We can all relate, right? Here’s why:

It’s an awful message to send. The basic premise of the song is “leave your girlfriend for me, I’m better,” which is bad enough as it is. This explanation not good enough for you? Let’s break it down:

You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, She’s upset
She’s going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

Well okay, so maybe she’s a little uptight. Girls overreact to things. But it’s also a distinct possibility that this guy is a total jerk and that you’re so enamored with him you’re in denial about that fact. Don’t worry, it happens. Let’s continue:

I’m in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I’m listening to the kind of music she doesnt like

Now that’s just petty. Music CAN be a unifying thing between two people, but it doesn’t have to be. And you never said that HE likes that kind of music. You’re different from her, we get it. That’s why he’s with her and not you.

And she’ll never know your story like I do

Right, because we all want to be with someone who knows about everything we’ve done wrong and all our shortcomings.

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts

Maybe she’s a slut, but you’re just uncreative

She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers

Not all cheerleaders are created equal. At least she has SOME sort of talent. You sound like a boring bystander. You haven’t yet mentioned that you do anything other than watch football games and moon over her boyfriend.

Dreaming bout the day when you’ll wake up and find
That what you’re lookin for has been here the whole time

If he hasn’t noticed you yet… chances are it’s because you’re not what he’s looking for.

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?

You guys are friends. He likes being your friend. He doesn’t want to ruin that or whatever… but also, that’s how he thinks of you. As a FRIEND.

And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

A girl like what? All we know thusfar is that she’s hot. And more interesting than you.

Standin by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Are you some kind of stalker or something?

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I’m the one who makes you laugh when you know you’re about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it’s with me.

If you’re as great as you make yourself out to be, he’s not good enough for you if he’s dating that slut.

Seriously.

I am so glad that I can look back on those memories now and smile instead of feeling like I’m going to cry.

He’s kind. He knows exactly who I am because I’m 100% comfortable around him and he wants to spend time with me anyway. He’s a gentleman and a nerd and he cuddles with me when I’m lonely and gives me his coat when I’m cold. He likes to look at the stars and talk about philosophy and he knows when it’s time to be serious, even though he’s a funny guy.

Word Vomit.

Oh god what the fuck is wrong with me?

“Arraine, What’s wrong?”

I don’t fucking know. Somebody shoot me now… or something. Not really though, I have no desire to die. Reality is hard… but it’s too much fun to give up. I’m too damned curious.

The show is stressful. Costuming is stressful. My future is stressful. Environmental science is stressful. AP English is stressful. Angel Juan stressful. Applying to college is stressful. My. life. is. stressful.

LIFE. IS. STRESSFUL.

And it’s hard. Yes, I’m complaining about shit that everybody has to deal with. But if you ask me what’s wrong, this is the only explanation I can think of.

I refuse to believe that a chance encounter with Angel Juan just so happening not to happen ruined my mood. He can’t be what drives everything. A lot of things drive me.

But good lord is he beautiful. And talented. And just fun to be around and snuggle with.

If someone made a movie out of a Francesca Lia Block book, I would worship them forever. Hard. As long as they did it justice.

I really need to read Girlosophy again. Life is so magical. I love creating those magic moments. My life is magic and I can’t even describe how beautiful it is and how much I wish I could share that with the people that are struggling. I struggle too… but I usually know how to stay out of that, pretty quick.

The problem comes when I get absorbed in someone. It takes over, and I can’t let it do that. I know the reason I’m on the computer all the time, and it isn’t a very good one. My life is MY LIFE.

MY. LIFE. TO. LIVE.

Thank you. I needed that. I don’t know who I’m thanking.

I love you, David. Our Angel Juan should be joining us any day now. Meanwhile I look into his eyes while his face is close to mine and I wonder what the hell I’m supposed to do. I kinda want to just kiss him. And I kinda think that’s just not going to happen. It’s gotta be in the moment. Whatevs. We’ll see.

i sincerely wish that didn’t have to mean what it does: “never. gonna. happen.”

Someone is celebrating.
Someone is commiserating.
Someone is eating ice cream and looking up at the stars.

There is nothing more perfect than right now…. but we seem to think so, most of the time.
Take a look at right now. No, seriously, do it.
If it sucks, change it. You DO have that power.

I exist on a plane where the magic of the moment is rarely lost on me.
I know that it has to end, but I love it for what it is.
Sometimes I have to re-ground myself to it though.

But
When the world sparkles just a little bit
When the touch of another person sends electricity shooting through your body
When food tastes extra-delicious
And water tastes like life itself
When colors are vivid and textures are ecstasy under the fingertips
When music fills you up from the inside out
When a smile or an acknowledgment from someone you care about makes your day
When drums beat in your belly and butterflies flutter in your heart

Then…

You must be doing something right…. right?

Don’t allow yourself to become trapped as a result of your decisions. If it looks like you made the wrong decision, or a decision you made becomes a prison, MAKE ANOTHER DECISION.

Butterflies should be in your heart, not your stomach.

I am the brave new girl.

A Sonnet

How grand it is the doom that waits for me
Here lies a pattern that I can’t escape
My past, my present, future plain to see
So many things which leave my heart agape
Each time almost, but never quite the same
Each want more desp’rate, urgent than the last
Except, of course, when you might share the name,
the habits, manner, stolen from those passed
Yet somehow, doom here tastes of something more
No painful flutter of what might have been
And when I wonder what this holds in store
I do forget all others that I’ve seen
This doom I’ve found resembles naught that’s old
The world can see the diff’rence, so I’m told

one hundred emotions.

That is what I am feeling. Ecstasy, sorrow, joy, bitterness, awkwardness, jealousy, happiness, excitement, nervousness, everything. All of the above.

From the minute I walked into band, I knew:

This was the place for me.

Even before you.
Before someone took out her clarinet and played those first notes.
Before I was jamming away in my room like a pro.
Before the clarinet tore me away from my computer.
And my homework.

I knew that this was where I belonged.
And I cursed myself for not realizing that sooner.

Some left, and left band a beautiful, simple, happy place for me to be.

Others left drama, and their essence remains… everywhere. It permeates the room, the people, the attitude toward me and toward acting. Everyone is distracted. And loud. And young. And I don’t know who any of them are.
I’m trying to shut out the ghost of a living person.
But in the band room, I’m safe from him.
Safe from everyone.
From my future, from my past, from my stress and from my panic and from all of the bad things in the whole world.
Even from myself.

But I’m not safe from my imminent and spectacular doom. And I don’t give a damn, because I rather like being doomed.

If ghosts of my past remain in that room, at least they’re ghosts that I have made peace with. Ghosts that are friendly to me and comfort me.

And now there’s you. You, with a name and a life and a personality and favorite music that nobody had to invent. Real. I don’t love it, but I like it, and it makes me dance, and smile, and think of you. Which, it seems, is all I really want to do lately.
I want to smile.
And play
And dance
And sing
And smile
And laugh
And think about you

Those things are important.

Everything else is secondary.

What has gotten into me?
It happened before you.
You just sent me toppling over the edge.
The perfect brilliant edge.

I am soaring. Not falling, but soaring. Rising and falling with the drafts of the wind above a brilliant landscape of planet earth, with little tiny ant people running around and fretting. It’s exhilarating, it’s terrifying, it’s liberating, it’s everything all at once. My emotions travel with myself. And everyone is perfection in it’s own form. They fill me up to the brim and then spill over the top and out my eyes and ears and nose and mouth and hands in a thousand rainbow ribbons that flow off into the breeze and create beauty where they can.

I let myself get a bit carried away with this… didn’t I?
But it’s just how I’m feeling.

Prioritize... things to do before School:

Today:

Write my Awakening essay

Finish my journal for AP enviro sci

Make the necessary changes

Write my eco-essay

Clean my room

Saturday night:

Write my oral presentation

Sunday:

See Ponyo

Get a report cover

Go to LUSH

Print out my essays

Monday:

Go to the river

Monday evening:

Pick out an outfit

Pack my backpack

Make my dress

Tuesday morning:

Start the pseudoscience book

Stress:

1. Manage my time better.

2. Keep bad people out of my life.

3. Only make promises I know 100% that I can keep.

4. Get rid of the clutter,

5. Exercise. Every day. If it isn’t aerobic, at least do some yoga.

6. Meditate every morning.

7. Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

8. Go for walks regularly

9. Journal

10. Listen to music that does not aggravate me.

11. Reduce sugar.

12. Sleep enough. Not too much. Early to bed, early to rise.

13. Drink tea and listen to Kate Rusby.

GO

someday, i’ll be able to just go

right when i need to

stand up

walk out the door

and

GO

i’ll come back when i need to, also

when i want to leave

i’ll leave

as far away or nearby as necessary

and won’t that be just glorious?

it’s not freedom i’m really looking for

it’s discovery

new things

adventures

my glorious future. the earth in front of me. my past behind me.

drop your emotional baggage. she who travels lightest travels furthest.

take me somewhere.