Sometimes I think things...

GO

someday, i’ll be able to just go

right when i need to

stand up

walk out the door

and

GO

i’ll come back when i need to, also

when i want to leave

i’ll leave

as far away or nearby as necessary

and won’t that be just glorious?

it’s not freedom i’m really looking for

it’s discovery

new things

adventures

my glorious future. the earth in front of me. my past behind me.

drop your emotional baggage. she who travels lightest travels furthest.

take me somewhere.

dark&light

dark, darker, darkest.

darkness can be so beautiful and enthralling… it’s why we retreat into depression so willingly. we see a glamor in the darkness that we want to hold.

the music alone speaks directly to a part inside of us that most people aren’t likely to admit to having - a fundamental part of what it means to be human - and cleans our “soul” like a bottle brush.

just as some people strive to be pure and flock to the light, others are trapped in darkness, and many are, well, not happy, but satisfied to be there. if they aren’t truly depressed, they live a life that feels good; earthly pleasures are their goals. they understand this life is for doing and enjoying rather than for having and acquiring. many that tread on the side of the light are too busy resisting the darkness to do and enjoy and place far too much emphasis on having and acquiring. all of these ways of life, though, are part of the humanity inside ourselves.

several religions address the temptation of the darkness, and most view it negatively, which of course only gives it a stronger pull for some of us. buddhism calls desire the source of all suffering. the question is: why do we want? why are we taught to resist things that feel good? (we are also taught to resist things that feel bad, such as bodily harm, or scary real-life situations: death, loss, torture, war) would things be so alluring if we weren’t supposed to want them?

and yet i choose to tread in a place where i resist a lot of desire, a lot of pretty things and tasty food. I don’t believe my life is any less full because i don’t do drugs or eat meat of buy makeup, and i have to wonder if all of these things we’re supposed to resist are really all that bad. i desire many of these things from time to time, but my life is no better when i give in. no improvement is made from many of these indulgences, aside from a momentary one.

i think where i must look to for answers are the consequences of these actions, and not the merit or supposed “sin” of the actions themselves. i only wish that didn’t require so much thinking on my part.

Spark

Regrets are a waste of time

A waste of energy

A waste of inner peace

Yet you remain a spark

A light in the distance

Never to be extinguished by the ugliness of regret

Or the beauty of new love

Or the cloud of hopelessness

Or the bittersweet past

Or the uncertain future

But kept alive by the majesty and power of love and lust entertwined

Too strong to be lost in the darkness around

Too bright to ignore

A burning ember, alone in the dark

You watch for me, wait for me

But somehow I’m not enough

Not enough to satisfy or feed the flame

Just to watch from far away

And hope against all hopes that someday a lick of flame

Will leap out and reach for me

Drawing me into the fire that you started

The fire that your little spark began to welcome me home

Home into you

Enfolded, deeply

Snugly, strongly

Waiting for an answer and never letting go

Even when the answer is no

Let me go

fuck. ow. i’m tired and decided i needed to tell my tumblelog.

recipe for happy (combine two or more of the following ingredients):

tea
stargazing
black pen and creamy white paper
paints (particularly fingerpaints)
pop music from a crackly radio
giggly girlfriends
really good “crappy young adult fiction”
girlosophy
the cranberries
that one ani difranco song
francesca lia block
ellen wittlinger
candles
incense
hot shower
lush products
tall grass
being outside

note: not all of these things combine well…

one question i hear a lot:

“what is love?”

closely followed by:

“are you in love?”
“how do you know you’re in love?”
“have you ever been in love?”
“are you sure it was love?”
“how did you know?”

and then comes:

“how do you fall out of love?”
“do you ever really stop loving somebody?”
“do you still love him?”


i believe that i have been in love
twice
nothing can shake that belief
i have a single definition for being in love

because there’s a difference between loving someone
and being in love with them
some languages even
have different words for each kind of love
i think that makes more sense
than muddling all this stuff together like this
all in one word:

love

hmm….

it doesn’t even exactly roll off the tongue

i’ve been in love twice
and i’m not going to let somebody else tell me different
i defined both of those loves the same way
no, i didn’t feel the same about each person
but i gave my love the same definition
and it felt right both times
but is it the right definition for the next person?

what if, in fact, the next person meets that definition
and all the usual definitions of like and love

does that mean you’re in love?
even if you’re not sure?
do you have to be told first, sometimes?

if you truly believe that you’re not
or that it isn’t the same
what kind of realization is that, exactly?

i love you.
i don’t care who you are.
if you’re reading this right now, there’s a 99.9% chance that i love you.
i love a lot, and with all of me.
i love because it feeds me, and i hope it feeds you too.

if you’re reading this right now, there’s a .000000001% chance that i might be in love with you.

weird, isn’t it?

One-hundred words. One-hundred words each day to express myself - no more, no less. Today: Struggling. Surviving. Learning. Wanting? It’s very possible. And yet you choose another. No matter. My life is open wide to any and all possibilities. My heart is open wide and spread to every corner of the earth. Life is so very complex, which is part of why it’s so beautiful, but it’s also a shame… because it could be so much simpler than we tend to make it. Passion and grace that permeate are what allow us to see beauty in this mass of life-chaos.

fall in love before you close your eyes the world has much to offer and if the love closes your eyes at least the darkness behind your eyelids is a beautiful and comforting one not so dark and scary as what might come, might consume you if you hide behind lashes that never flutter with the euphoria of a fluttering heart light in blackness spark of something a little more than what you ever really suspect that it may be something that burns forever enduring a fog of fear and anguish and of lies and questions it flings itself into your vision to prove the truth of the matter the essence of the need for something better although whether we ever achieve that is a different question a question of bliss a question of satisfaction a question that has little to do with sweet perfume seduction and plastic heart-shaped charm bracelets and even little to do with silk and lace and with furry teddy bears with shiny eyes that stare straight into your soul more than any person can the truth of the matter is that it’s a question of gut a question of truth and of true beauty and of the movement of one body and the movement of another and a certain willingness to give but never to give where nothing is properly received only to give and give from both sides of the equation there lies an abundance of some sort that i wonder if has ever been achieved…

my heart
is in all corners of this world

one piece is buried in a vast desert hides safely under warm sand where nobody who does not want it can find it in danger only during a windstorm when it might be revealed to wrong-hearted men who never give it a second thought just walk over it with dirty sandy feet

one piece is hidden in a deep forest screeching primates exotic birds keep it company in the darkness under the canopy cool and damp against the moss never thirsty like the desert heart quenched by falling rain nurtured by soil and by the thriving life on all sides only in danger when careless men go stomping through to steal trees and soil and animals and love leaving behind nothing but a shivering heart

one piece is underwater teeming life and ocean stretching on forever endless is this love that is what this heart must have it is far less vulnerable than all the others far more numb it takes more than anything to raise this heart to the surface of endless water stays alone and cold but safe from harm swaying in the imaginary liquid breeze

one piece is in the city tucked away in the corner of an urban coffee shop where everyone worth talking to is allowed to touch my vulnerable heart and rarely do they do harm only bring it truth and beauty and beats and poetry and art and love of the shining city and the shining bay hard to find shop between slanting apartments and leering miscreants it is crammed egg-yolk yellow door hiding away my beating heart

one piece of my heart is sewn carefully into my sleeve there to see for anybody who cares to look i leave this piece on display open to the world never hidden never keeping quiet always screaming its pain and its joy to all only because no heart deserves to be stifled

my heart is in all corners of this world waiting to be discovered meanwhile loving this earth for all its worth if you want my heart its there for the taking it doesn’t take much to capture the heart on my sleeve but what sets you apart is the willingness to travel to all corners of the world for every piece to swim to the bottom of the ocean its all there laid out for you i’m never handing it to you on a silver platter i’m giving you the treasure map anyone can have it if they’re willing to look but don’t waste my time because my heart is broken and repaired not something to be trifled with not something fun to mess with but something wise and scarred and beautiful

conserve
THINK before you speak or act
risk success
slow/calm the hell down
keep an open mind and an open heart
be yourself - keep who you are strong don’t lose her to someone else
read
write
work hard to practice: theatre reading writing math science love; so that you are ready to excel when the time comes
be here now
don’t get so attached and worked up
make a book list - then read them
get off the net you addicted lout
prepare for tests
hable espanol
be kind
be kind
be kind
don’t assign blame
don’t talk about people
you don’t need to tell people everything
i am driven
i am focused
i am
i will face my fears
ask for attention if you want it, scream for it; you don’t need to act out
deserve what you receive
don’t waste time, moments are precious
contribute something worthwhile to the (digital) fossil record
move your body when you are sad or angry
slow down, but never stop
breathe
practice girlosophy
pearls of wisdom
write things down
remember in your heart what is true
always listen to those truths
don’t give your heart away blindly
take pictures of things
save money - it can’t buy happiness, but life is sure a pain in the ass without it
use your words
practice nonviolence
only boring people get bored
get organized
be prepared
she who travels lightest travels furthest
you receive the love you believe you deserve
don’t eat junk food, don’t think junk thoughts
work for what you really want, it will come
optimism is key
don’t stand for people who hurt you
fall in love with life itself
help a friend
be kind to an enemy
be honest and frank
use your body and your mind in conjunction to save the earth
love everything about our world
it is you
you are it
stay clean inside and out
purity is valuable
be purely you

bethra lily is a baby girl with
a shock of violet hair pointy vampire teeth pricking curled
ruby lips sparkling emerald chips embedded in
black irises and a high clear voice that rose above
laments and cheers alike that come from
friends enemies family and admirers who look upon
baby bethra lily

is less than innocent even
at the age of seven with too much
sparkling silver hair flowing bare feet pad lightly through
silvery-green grass and tiny white flowers floating in the breeze
sparkly orange fingernails waving in the air catch a butterfly she said and
all the dreams of children everywhere will come true
just for a moment she said but just for a moment