Sometimes I think things...

one hundred emotions.

That is what I am feeling. Ecstasy, sorrow, joy, bitterness, awkwardness, jealousy, happiness, excitement, nervousness, everything. All of the above.

From the minute I walked into band, I knew:

This was the place for me.

Even before you.
Before someone took out her clarinet and played those first notes.
Before I was jamming away in my room like a pro.
Before the clarinet tore me away from my computer.
And my homework.

I knew that this was where I belonged.
And I cursed myself for not realizing that sooner.

Some left, and left band a beautiful, simple, happy place for me to be.

Others left drama, and their essence remains… everywhere. It permeates the room, the people, the attitude toward me and toward acting. Everyone is distracted. And loud. And young. And I don’t know who any of them are.
I’m trying to shut out the ghost of a living person.
But in the band room, I’m safe from him.
Safe from everyone.
From my future, from my past, from my stress and from my panic and from all of the bad things in the whole world.
Even from myself.

But I’m not safe from my imminent and spectacular doom. And I don’t give a damn, because I rather like being doomed.

If ghosts of my past remain in that room, at least they’re ghosts that I have made peace with. Ghosts that are friendly to me and comfort me.

And now there’s you. You, with a name and a life and a personality and favorite music that nobody had to invent. Real. I don’t love it, but I like it, and it makes me dance, and smile, and think of you. Which, it seems, is all I really want to do lately.
I want to smile.
And play
And dance
And sing
And smile
And laugh
And think about you

Those things are important.

Everything else is secondary.

What has gotten into me?
It happened before you.
You just sent me toppling over the edge.
The perfect brilliant edge.

I am soaring. Not falling, but soaring. Rising and falling with the drafts of the wind above a brilliant landscape of planet earth, with little tiny ant people running around and fretting. It’s exhilarating, it’s terrifying, it’s liberating, it’s everything all at once. My emotions travel with myself. And everyone is perfection in it’s own form. They fill me up to the brim and then spill over the top and out my eyes and ears and nose and mouth and hands in a thousand rainbow ribbons that flow off into the breeze and create beauty where they can.

I let myself get a bit carried away with this… didn’t I?
But it’s just how I’m feeling.