Word Vomit.
Oh god what the fuck is wrong with me?
“Arraine, What’s wrong?”
I don’t fucking know. Somebody shoot me now… or something. Not really though, I have no desire to die. Reality is hard… but it’s too much fun to give up. I’m too damned curious.
The show is stressful. Costuming is stressful. My future is stressful. Environmental science is stressful. AP English is stressful. Angel Juan stressful. Applying to college is stressful. My. life. is. stressful.
LIFE. IS. STRESSFUL.
And it’s hard. Yes, I’m complaining about shit that everybody has to deal with. But if you ask me what’s wrong, this is the only explanation I can think of.
I refuse to believe that a chance encounter with Angel Juan just so happening not to happen ruined my mood. He can’t be what drives everything. A lot of things drive me.
But good lord is he beautiful. And talented. And just fun to be around and snuggle with.
If someone made a movie out of a Francesca Lia Block book, I would worship them forever. Hard. As long as they did it justice.
I really need to read Girlosophy again. Life is so magical. I love creating those magic moments. My life is magic and I can’t even describe how beautiful it is and how much I wish I could share that with the people that are struggling. I struggle too… but I usually know how to stay out of that, pretty quick.
The problem comes when I get absorbed in someone. It takes over, and I can’t let it do that. I know the reason I’m on the computer all the time, and it isn’t a very good one. My life is MY LIFE.
MY. LIFE. TO. LIVE.
Thank you. I needed that. I don’t know who I’m thanking.
I love you, David. Our Angel Juan should be joining us any day now. Meanwhile I look into his eyes while his face is close to mine and I wonder what the hell I’m supposed to do. I kinda want to just kiss him. And I kinda think that’s just not going to happen. It’s gotta be in the moment. Whatevs. We’ll see.
i sincerely wish that didn’t have to mean what it does: “never. gonna. happen.”
