Sometimes I think things...

Dear Taylor Swift:

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 21:28:01 -0500

I strongly dislike the song “You Belong With Me,” and a lot of people ask me why. What’s not to like, right? We can all relate, right? Here’s why:

It’s an awful message to send. The basic premise of the song is “leave your girlfriend for me, I’m better,” which is bad enough as it is. This explanation not good enough for you? Let’s break it down:

You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, She’s upset
She’s going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

Well okay, so maybe she’s a little uptight. Girls overreact to things. But it’s also a distinct possibility that this guy is a total jerk and that you’re so enamored with him you’re in denial about that fact. Don’t worry, it happens. Let’s continue:

I’m in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I’m listening to the kind of music she doesnt like

Now that’s just petty. Music CAN be a unifying thing between two people, but it doesn’t have to be. And you never said that HE likes that kind of music. You’re different from her, we get it. That’s why he’s with her and not you.

And she’ll never know your story like I do

Right, because we all want to be with someone who knows about everything we’ve done wrong and all our shortcomings.

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts

Maybe she’s a slut, but you’re just uncreative

She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers

Not all cheerleaders are created equal. At least she has SOME sort of talent. You sound like a boring bystander. You haven’t yet mentioned that you do anything other than watch football games and moon over her boyfriend.

Dreaming bout the day when you’ll wake up and find
That what you’re lookin for has been here the whole time

If he hasn’t noticed you yet… chances are it’s because you’re not what he’s looking for.

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?

You guys are friends. He likes being your friend. He doesn’t want to ruin that or whatever… but also, that’s how he thinks of you. As a FRIEND.

And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

A girl like what? All we know thusfar is that she’s hot. And more interesting than you.

Standin by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Are you some kind of stalker or something?

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I’m the one who makes you laugh when you know you’re about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it’s with me.

If you’re as great as you make yourself out to be, he’s not good enough for you if he’s dating that slut.

Seriously.

I am so glad that I can look back on those memories now and smile instead of feeling like I’m...

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 22:10:16 -0500

I am so glad that I can look back on those memories now and smile instead of feeling like I’m going to cry.

He’s kind. He knows exactly who I am because I’m 100% comfortable around him and he...

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 22:02:53 -0500

He’s kind. He knows exactly who I am because I’m 100% comfortable around him and he wants to spend time with me anyway. He’s a gentleman and a nerd and he cuddles with me when I’m lonely and gives me his coat when I’m cold. He likes to look at the stars and talk about philosophy and he knows when it’s time to be serious, even though he’s a funny guy.

Word Vomit.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:23:32 -0400

Oh god what the fuck is wrong with me?

“Arraine, What’s wrong?”

I don’t fucking know. Somebody shoot me now… or something. Not really though, I have no desire to die. Reality is hard… but it’s too much fun to give up. I’m too damned curious.

The show is stressful. Costuming is stressful. My future is stressful. Environmental science is stressful. AP English is stressful. Angel Juan stressful. Applying to college is stressful. My. life. is. stressful.

LIFE. IS. STRESSFUL.

And it’s hard. Yes, I’m complaining about shit that everybody has to deal with. But if you ask me what’s wrong, this is the only explanation I can think of.

I refuse to believe that a chance encounter with Angel Juan just so happening not to happen ruined my mood. He can’t be what drives everything. A lot of things drive me.

But good lord is he beautiful. And talented. And just fun to be around and snuggle with.

If someone made a movie out of a Francesca Lia Block book, I would worship them forever. Hard. As long as they did it justice.

I really need to read Girlosophy again. Life is so magical. I love creating those magic moments. My life is magic and I can’t even describe how beautiful it is and how much I wish I could share that with the people that are struggling. I struggle too… but I usually know how to stay out of that, pretty quick.

The problem comes when I get absorbed in someone. It takes over, and I can’t let it do that. I know the reason I’m on the computer all the time, and it isn’t a very good one. My life is MY LIFE.

MY. LIFE. TO. LIVE.

Thank you. I needed that. I don’t know who I’m thanking.

I love you, David. Our Angel Juan should be joining us any day now. Meanwhile I look into his eyes while his face is close to mine and I wonder what the hell I’m supposed to do. I kinda want to just kiss him. And I kinda think that’s just not going to happen. It’s gotta be in the moment. Whatevs. We’ll see.

i sincerely wish that didn’t have to mean what it does: “never. gonna. happen.”

Someone is celebrating. Someone is commiserating. Someone is eating ice cream and looking up at the...

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:30:28 -0400

Someone is celebrating.
Someone is commiserating.
Someone is eating ice cream and looking up at the stars.

There is nothing more perfect than right now…. but we seem to think so, most of the time.
Take a look at right now. No, seriously, do it.
If it sucks, change it. You DO have that power.

I exist on a plane where the magic of the moment is rarely lost on me.
I know that it has to end, but I love it for what it is.
Sometimes I have to re-ground myself to it though.

But
When the world sparkles just a little bit
When the touch of another person sends electricity shooting through your body
When food tastes extra-delicious
And water tastes like life itself
When colors are vivid and textures are ecstasy under the fingertips
When music fills you up from the inside out
When a smile or an acknowledgment from someone you care about makes your day
When drums beat in your belly and butterflies flutter in your heart

Then…

You must be doing something right…. right?

Don’t allow yourself to become trapped as a result of your decisions. If it looks like you made the wrong decision, or a decision you made becomes a prison, MAKE ANOTHER DECISION.

Butterflies should be in your heart, not your stomach.

I am the brave new girl.

A Sonnet

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:30:00 -0400

How grand it is the doom that waits for me
Here lies a pattern that I can’t escape
My past, my present, future plain to see
So many things which leave my heart agape
Each time almost, but never quite the same
Each want more desp’rate, urgent than the last
Except, of course, when you might share the name,
the habits, manner, stolen from those passed
Yet somehow, doom here tastes of something more
No painful flutter of what might have been
And when I wonder what this holds in store
I do forget all others that I’ve seen
This doom I’ve found resembles naught that’s old
The world can see the diff’rence, so I’m told

one hundred emotions. That is what I am feeling. Ecstasy, sorrow, joy, bitterness, awkwardness,...

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 02:38:05 -0400

one hundred emotions.

That is what I am feeling. Ecstasy, sorrow, joy, bitterness, awkwardness, jealousy, happiness, excitement, nervousness, everything. All of the above.

From the minute I walked into band, I knew:

This was the place for me.

Even before you.
Before someone took out her clarinet and played those first notes.
Before I was jamming away in my room like a pro.
Before the clarinet tore me away from my computer.
And my homework.

I knew that this was where I belonged.
And I cursed myself for not realizing that sooner.

Some left, and left band a beautiful, simple, happy place for me to be.

Others left drama, and their essence remains… everywhere. It permeates the room, the people, the attitude toward me and toward acting. Everyone is distracted. And loud. And young. And I don’t know who any of them are.
I’m trying to shut out the ghost of a living person.
But in the band room, I’m safe from him.
Safe from everyone.
From my future, from my past, from my stress and from my panic and from all of the bad things in the whole world.
Even from myself.

But I’m not safe from my imminent and spectacular doom. And I don’t give a damn, because I rather like being doomed.

If ghosts of my past remain in that room, at least they’re ghosts that I have made peace with. Ghosts that are friendly to me and comfort me.

And now there’s you. You, with a name and a life and a personality and favorite music that nobody had to invent. Real. I don’t love it, but I like it, and it makes me dance, and smile, and think of you. Which, it seems, is all I really want to do lately.
I want to smile.
And play
And dance
And sing
And smile
And laugh
And think about you

Those things are important.

Everything else is secondary.

What has gotten into me?
It happened before you.
You just sent me toppling over the edge.
The perfect brilliant edge.

I am soaring. Not falling, but soaring. Rising and falling with the drafts of the wind above a brilliant landscape of planet earth, with little tiny ant people running around and fretting. It’s exhilarating, it’s terrifying, it’s liberating, it’s everything all at once. My emotions travel with myself. And everyone is perfection in it’s own form. They fill me up to the brim and then spill over the top and out my eyes and ears and nose and mouth and hands in a thousand rainbow ribbons that flow off into the breeze and create beauty where they can.

I let myself get a bit carried away with this… didn’t I?
But it’s just how I’m feeling.

Prioritize... things to do before School:

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 18:46:00 -0400

Today:

~~Write my Awakening essay~~

Finish my journal for AP enviro sci

Make the necessary changes

~~Write my eco-essay~~

Clean my room

Saturday night:

Write my oral presentation

Sunday:

See Ponyo

Get a report cover

Go to LUSH

Print out my essays

Monday:

Go to the river

Monday evening:

Pick out an outfit

Pack my backpack

Make my dress

Tuesday morning:

Start the pseudoscience book

Stress:

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 22:32:51 -0400

1. Manage my time better.

2. Keep bad people out of my life.

3. Only make promises I know 100% that I can keep.

4. Get rid of the clutter,

5. Exercise. Every day. If it isn’t aerobic, at least do some yoga.

6. Meditate every morning.

7. Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

8. Go for walks regularly

9. Journal

10. Listen to music that does not aggravate me.

11. Reduce sugar.

12. Sleep enough. Not too much. Early to bed, early to rise.

13. Drink tea and listen to Kate Rusby.

GO

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 01:18:37 -0400

someday, i’ll be able to just go

right when i need to

stand up

walk out the door

and

i’ll come back when i need to, also

when i want to leave

i’ll leave

as far away or nearby as necessary

and won’t that be just glorious?

it’s not freedom i’m really looking for

it’s discovery

new things

adventures

my glorious future. the earth in front of me. my past behind me.

drop your emotional baggage. she who travels lightest travels furthest.

take me somewhere.

dark&light

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:24:45 -0400

dark, darker, darkest.

darkness can be so beautiful and enthralling… it’s why we retreat into depression so willingly. we see a glamor in the darkness that we want to hold.

the music alone speaks directly to a part inside of us that most people aren’t likely to admit to having - a fundamental part of what it means to be human - and cleans our “soul” like a bottle brush.

just as some people strive to be pure and flock to the light, others are trapped in darkness, and many are, well, not happy, but satisfied to be there. if they aren’t truly depressed, they live a life that feels good; earthly pleasures are their goals. they understand this life is for doing and enjoying rather than for having and acquiring. many that tread on the side of the light are too busy resisting the darkness to do and enjoy and place far too much emphasis on having and acquiring. all of these ways of life, though, are part of the humanity inside ourselves.

several religions address the temptation of the darkness, and most view it negatively, which of course only gives it a stronger pull for some of us. buddhism calls desire the source of all suffering. the question is: why do we want? why are we taught to resist things that feel good? (we are also taught to resist things that feel bad, such as bodily harm, or scary real-life situations: death, loss, torture, war) would things be so alluring if we weren’t supposed to want them?

and yet i choose to tread in a place where i resist a lot of desire, a lot of pretty things and tasty food. I don’t believe my life is any less full because i don’t do drugs or eat meat of buy makeup, and i have to wonder if all of these things we’re supposed to resist are really all that bad. i desire many of these things from time to time, but my life is no better when i give in. no improvement is made from many of these indulgences, aside from a momentary one.

i think where i must look to for answers are the consequences of these actions, and not the merit or supposed “sin” of the actions themselves. i only wish that didn’t require so much thinking on my part.

Spark

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:36:43 -0400

Regrets are a waste of time

A waste of energy

A waste of inner peace

Yet you remain a spark

A light in the distance

Never to be extinguished by the ugliness of regret

Or the beauty of new love

Or the cloud of hopelessness

Or the bittersweet past

Or the uncertain future

But kept alive by the majesty and power of love and lust entertwined

Too strong to be lost in the darkness around

Too bright to ignore

A burning ember, alone in the dark

You watch for me, wait for me

But somehow I’m not enough

Not enough to satisfy or feed the flame

Just to watch from far away

And hope against all hopes that someday a lick of flame

Will leap out and reach for me

Drawing me into the fire that you started

The fire that your little spark began to welcome me home

Home into you

Enfolded, deeply

Snugly, strongly

Waiting for an answer and never letting go

Even when the answer is no

Let me go

fuck. ow. i’m tired and decided i needed to tell my tumblelog.recipe for happy (combine two or...

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:32:57 -0400

fuck. ow. i’m tired and decided i needed to tell my tumblelog.

recipe for happy (combine two or more of the following ingredients):

tea
stargazing
black pen and creamy white paper
paints (particularly fingerpaints)
pop music from a crackly radio
giggly girlfriends
really good “crappy young adult fiction”
girlosophy
the cranberries
that one ani difranco song
francesca lia block
ellen wittlinger
candles
incense
hot shower
lush products
tall grass
being outside

note: not all of these things combine well…

one question i hear a lot: “what is love?” closely followed by: “are you in...

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 02:03:46 -0400

one question i hear a lot:

“what is love?”

closely followed by:

“are you in love?”
“how do you know you’re in love?”
“have you ever been in love?”
“are you sure it was love?”
“how did you know?”

and then comes:

“how do you fall out of love?”
“do you ever really stop loving somebody?”
“do you still love him?”

i believe that i have been in love
twice
nothing can shake that belief
i have a single definition for being in love

because there’s a difference between loving someone
and being in love with them
some languages even
have different words for each kind of love
i think that makes more sense
than muddling all this stuff together like this
all in one word:

love

hmm….

it doesn’t even exactly roll off the tongue

i’ve been in love twice
and i’m not going to let somebody else tell me different
i defined both of those loves the same way
no, i didn’t feel the same about each person
but i gave my love the same definition
and it felt right both times
but is it the right definition for the next person?

what if, in fact, the next person meets that definition
and all the usual definitions of like and love

does that mean you’re in love?
even if you’re not sure?
do you have to be told first, sometimes?

if you truly believe that you’re not
or that it isn’t the same
what kind of realization is that, exactly?

i love you.
i don’t care who you are.
if you’re reading this right now, there’s a 99.9% chance that i love you.
i love a lot, and with all of me.
i love because it feeds me, and i hope it feeds you too.

if you’re reading this right now, there’s a .000000001% chance that i might be in love with you.

weird, isn’t it?

One-hundred words. One-hundred words each day to express myself - no more, no less. Today:...

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 21:07:20 -0400

One-hundred words. One-hundred words each day to express myself - no more, no less. Today: Struggling. Surviving. Learning. Wanting? It’s very possible. And yet you choose another. No matter. My life is open wide to any and all possibilities. My heart is open wide and spread to every corner of the earth. Life is so very complex, which is part of why it’s so beautiful, but it’s also a shame… because it could be so much simpler than we tend to make it. Passion and grace that permeate are what allow us to see beauty in this mass of life-chaos.

fall in love before you close your eyes the world has much to offer and if the love closes your eyes...

Sun, 03 May 2009 14:37:43 -0400

fall in love before you close your eyes the world has much to offer and if the love closes your eyes at least the darkness behind your eyelids is a beautiful and comforting one not so dark and scary as what might come, might consume you if you hide behind lashes that never flutter with the euphoria of a fluttering heart light in blackness spark of something a little more than what you ever really suspect that it may be something that burns forever enduring a fog of fear and anguish and of lies and questions it flings itself into your vision to prove the truth of the matter the essence of the need for something better although whether we ever achieve that is a different question a question of bliss a question of satisfaction a question that has little to do with sweet perfume seduction and plastic heart-shaped charm bracelets and even little to do with silk and lace and with furry teddy bears with shiny eyes that stare straight into your soul more than any person can the truth of the matter is that it’s a question of gut a question of truth and of true beauty and of the movement of one body and the movement of another and a certain willingness to give but never to give where nothing is properly received only to give and give from both sides of the equation there lies an abundance of some sort that i wonder if has ever been achieved…

my heart is in all corners of this world one piece is buried in a vast desert hides safely under...

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:33:32 -0400

my heart
is in all corners of this world

one piece is buried in a vast desert hides safely under warm sand where nobody who does not want it can find it in danger only during a windstorm when it might be revealed to wrong-hearted men who never give it a second thought just walk over it with dirty sandy feet

one piece is hidden in a deep forest screeching primates exotic birds keep it company in the darkness under the canopy cool and damp against the moss never thirsty like the desert heart quenched by falling rain nurtured by soil and by the thriving life on all sides only in danger when careless men go stomping through to steal trees and soil and animals and love leaving behind nothing but a shivering heart

one piece is underwater teeming life and ocean stretching on forever endless is this love that is what this heart must have it is far less vulnerable than all the others far more numb it takes more than anything to raise this heart to the surface of endless water stays alone and cold but safe from harm swaying in the imaginary liquid breeze

one piece is in the city tucked away in the corner of an urban coffee shop where everyone worth talking to is allowed to touch my vulnerable heart and rarely do they do harm only bring it truth and beauty and beats and poetry and art and love of the shining city and the shining bay hard to find shop between slanting apartments and leering miscreants it is crammed egg-yolk yellow door hiding away my beating heart

one piece of my heart is sewn carefully into my sleeve there to see for anybody who cares to look i leave this piece on display open to the world never hidden never keeping quiet always screaming its pain and its joy to all only because no heart deserves to be stifled

my heart is in all corners of this world waiting to be discovered meanwhile loving this earth for all its worth if you want my heart its there for the taking it doesn’t take much to capture the heart on my sleeve but what sets you apart is the willingness to travel to all corners of the world for every piece to swim to the bottom of the ocean its all there laid out for you i’m never handing it to you on a silver platter i’m giving you the treasure map anyone can have it if they’re willing to look but don’t waste my time because my heart is broken and repaired not something to be trifled with not something fun to mess with but something wise and scarred and beautiful

conserve THINK before you speak or act risk success slow/calm the hell down keep an open mind and an...

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:33:09 -0400

conserve
THINK before you speak or act
risk success
slow/calm the hell down
keep an open mind and an open heart
be yourself - keep who you are strong don’t lose her to someone else
read
write
work hard to practice: theatre reading writing math science love; so that you are ready to excel when the time comes
be here now
don’t get so attached and worked up
make a book list - then read them
get off the net you addicted lout
prepare for tests
hable espanol
be kind
be kind
be kind
don’t assign blame
don’t talk about people
you don’t need to tell people everything
i am driven
i am focused
i am
i will face my fears
ask for attention if you want it, scream for it; you don’t need to act out
deserve what you receive
don’t waste time, moments are precious
contribute something worthwhile to the (digital) fossil record
move your body when you are sad or angry
slow down, but never stop
breathe
practice girlosophy
pearls of wisdom
write things down
remember in your heart what is true
always listen to those truths
don’t give your heart away blindly
take pictures of things
save money - it can’t buy happiness, but life is sure a pain in the ass without it
use your words
practice nonviolence
only boring people get bored
get organized
be prepared
she who travels lightest travels furthest
you receive the love you believe you deserve
don’t eat junk food, don’t think junk thoughts
work for what you really want, it will come
optimism is key
don’t stand for people who hurt you
fall in love with life itself
help a friend
be kind to an enemy
be honest and frank
use your body and your mind in conjunction to save the earth
love everything about our world
it is you
you are it
stay clean inside and out
purity is valuable
be purely you

bethra lily is a baby girl with a shock of violet hair pointy vampire teeth pricking curled ruby...

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:32:50 -0400

bethra lily is a baby girl with
a shock of violet hair pointy vampire teeth pricking curled
ruby lips sparkling emerald chips embedded in
black irises and a high clear voice that rose above
laments and cheers alike that come from
friends enemies family and admirers who look upon
baby bethra lily

is less than innocent even
at the age of seven with too much
sparkling silver hair flowing bare feet pad lightly through
silvery-green grass and tiny white flowers floating in the breeze
sparkly orange fingernails waving in the air catch a butterfly she said and
all the dreams of children everywhere will come true
just for a moment she said but just for a moment

Tall, juniper soldiers stand, shoulder-to-shoulder, guarding seeming simplicity from prying eyes. I...

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:32:21 -0400

Tall, juniper soldiers stand, shoulder-to-shoulder, guarding seeming simplicity from prying eyes. I lie with my belly pressing an indention into cool grass and moist soul. I peer carefully around the ankles of the soldiers. Rough, brown branches and a prickly exterior. Keeping the outside out but only barely containing my fiery heart. Passion. Screams. Unparalleled truth and beauty. Throwing itself against high garden walls. Past the dirty creeping toes of my green guardians, only hot pavement and long shadows are visible.

A fortress. Inside lives another world. Among blades of grass, pixies battle age-old disputes while faeries dance with tinkling bells in ancient step around the captive pixie princess and all my five-year-old gods and goddesses whisper truths of earthly and heavenly beauties into my ears. Underneath the pressing, silent heat of the summer day, a thousand tiny voices hum inside my head. Inside my heart. Faeries that try to breach my towering fortress fry on the unforgiving sidewalk next to a rainbow of my melted crayons and a candy wrapper someone left behind as they fled from the magical land of suburbia. Best to wait for the cooler months to leave the haven of my world. Or perhaps, just then, there was no safe place in the outside for my imaginings. Swimming around in my colorful brain. Nesting in the bushes. Creeping around in the grass grown tall in the abundant summer sun. On the outside, they are nothing but thoughts. In my hedged sanctuary: nothing but truths that are never to be tainted by the poison of society’s madness.